what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
