So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
