I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
