Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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