I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
