Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
