Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
