ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
