so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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