checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm both gender and math confused
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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