Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
