I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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