Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
