I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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