So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
