she was so not down for the gang bang
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
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