it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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