There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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