1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
