Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
babies were throwing up all over the place
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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