I seem to have left my pride at pride
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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