omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
