Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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