I puked a lego.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
