The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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