I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
