got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
