Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
