Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
