I seem to have left my pride at pride
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
