He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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