I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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