Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
