It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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