just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
