I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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