I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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