shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
