someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
