I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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