Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
