so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
