he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
