just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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