I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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