So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
