There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
