Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
