I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
