if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
